Brought to you by “The Bounce Back” staring Shemar Moore.
1. “OK WAIT, IS THIS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN?”
You never want to be going at 100 when she’s going at, like, 35. So you’re trying to encourage things along without being too pushy, which means you have to be ready to go, but also not jabbing her in the side with your love scepter. It’s a delicate balance.
2. “HOW LONG SHOULD I STAY DOWN HERE?”
You’re working your way down and hit the first boob. Ok good job. Now do you do the exact same thing to the other? Is that weird or is that just balancing things out? Once you get all the way down, how long should you stay? I mean we can do this all day, but you don’t want to be beckoned up because she’s now paralyzed from the waist down.
3. “DON’T MAKE THAT STUPID FACE.”
You know those sexy faces in movies? That’s not what actually happens. Usually you look like you’re eating a ghost pepper while trying to figure out the ending of Donnie Darko.
4. “THIS POSITION IS GOOD, BUT SHOULD WE SWITCH? SHOULD WE ROLL THE DICE?!”
It’s always a gamble when switching positions. You’re in a groove and everything feels good, but WHAT IF? WHAT IF WE ROLL OVER AND IT’S SO MUCH BETTER??
5. “NOPE WE SHOULD’VE STAYED WITH THE LAST ONE.”
It wasn’t better. This is a nightmare. So can you go back? Are you stuck in this one now? It’s like trying to choose the quickest line at the grocery store, except instead of it being with a cart full of produce, it’s with your penis.
6. “CAN I KEEP IT IN WHILE CHANGING POSITIONS? CAN I??”
It’s not like it’s that difficult to just pull out, reset, and put it back in, but for some reason we insist on trying to hold it inside while changing positions. Why? It’s not like we’re avatars with our ponytails tied together.
7. “OH GOD I BROKE SOMETHING ON ONE OF US.”
You’re going full force with such velocity that it might cause thunder when suddenly you pull out a little too far, thrust forward, and slam it directly into her pelvis. You either broke your penis or you killed her with blunt force trauma. You’re positive those are the only two options.
8. “WAIT, WAS THAT A GOOD OOO OR A BAD OOO?”
Is she making that sound because she’s really into it or is she just playing it up so you’ll hurry and finish and get this over with? Guess you’d better overthink it for the next ten minutes and not enjoy a single moment of the sex!
The only thing that can bring things to a halt quicker than this is if your mother ran into the room carrying a baby and the two of them started chanting your name. And that rarely happens.
10. “KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP.”
If you’ve ever worried that you might be losing your boner during sex, you probably just lost it completely because once it gets into your head, you’re finished. God forbid she points out the fact that you’re not as hard as you were before. She might as well Facetime with her ex and the two of them point and laugh at your sad little lack of a boner. Thanks!
11. “I’M ALMOST THERE BUT SHE’S ALMOST THERE TOO. HOLD STRONG!”
When she’s close and you’re close you know you have to keep going strong for her to finish, but at this current speed and velocity you’re going to finish before she does. (Especially if she says stuff like “I’m almost there keep going.”) I mean, you can keep going for a few seconds after you finish, but that is a rapidly ticking time bomb that could deflate at any second.
12. “IS SHE STILL GOING? ARE THOSE AFTERSHOCKS? SHOULD I STOP YET?”
If she does finish while you’re going strong, you have to figure out if you should stop for a minute or just keep going. You don’t want to be the guy that’s still driving 70mph when the speed limit has dropped to 35mph. That’s much worse than getting a ticket.
13. “LITERALLY NO HUMAN ON THE EARTH HAS EVER DONE SEX BETTER THAN WHAT I JUST DID.”
When you do it right, you’re positive you’re the greatest lover the world has ever seen. That was the greatest 4 minutes of her entire life.